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| Tuesday, September 25th, 2007 | |
9/25/07 - 1:04 pm |
Satisfied
I would like to say I am satisfied with being single, and for the most part I am. I do not need a boyfriend, nor do I want one simply to have one and rid myself of this boredom. What I do want is a best friend. Someone who just wants to do things with me because he thinks I'm fun and a good person. Someone who marvels at the innerworkings of my mind the way I do his.
I do not want anything complicated like romance or flowers and candy. I just want someone who stand me for longer than a few minutes. That in itself is a feat.
It is not because I lack suitors that I am single. There are few guys of all different ages who have asked me recently to go to a movie or eat lunch but no one I would take seriously. I know that sounds harsh but it's true.
I can honestly say I have no interest in anyone in that way.
I really don't know where this was going but I'm done. |
| Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 | |
12/6/06 - 4:54 pm |
People Are So Disappointing...
Why is it that people are so disappointing? Is it because of all we invest in them THINKING we will receive? Is it because we trust them and can't seem to let ourselves think badly of them in order to REALLY see them? Instead we sit around in this fog assuming that these people will 'always be there' the way they say they will. We take everything they say and just simply TRUST them and on what basis? The basis that they haven't yet disappointed us? And what makes us return to the troth after being splashed with pig slop? What is that longing that makes us want to believe that these people won't do this again to us? Is it the hope that mankind is inherently good? Is it the hope for change that we so ignorantly think will happen? I can't answer this for you or even for myself. All I can say is lately I've been burned and burned severely. After four years my so called best friend called it quits. Never really stating why exactly she had changed her mind about our friendship. That hurt. More than even I knew it would. But I dealt with it and I've moved on. One new developement I found was that for the most part generally think I'm shallow and a bit of an airhead when they meet me. That leads me to think that maybe I've been doing something to make them think that. But this seems to be a neverending quest for me. Because no matter how much I try and change little things about myself to try and improve myself people still have the same impression. Why? What about me gives off that air? Why is it that people flock to immature people as if they are mature? Why??????????? Current Mood:  cold |
| Tuesday, November 14th, 2006 | |
11/14/06 - 9:58 am |
non-friends
That's what Amanda and I are now. It didn't end badly it just ended. Correction, she ended it. Yesterday we got online and started to myspace each other back and forth. Well, she proceeded to tell me that we were two different people, hanging out was like hanging out with a stranger and the only solution she could come up with is calling the whole friendship over. How can you do that? How can someone just give up after 4 years of friendship? After she said she was my best friend. She told me that if I needed something she was there I could call her but honestly she isn't. What about when I need my friend Amanda? She isn't there for me. She has her reason and that's fine but I'm not going to think this is because of me. I'm not going to think that this is my fault. Because I was the one who wanted to fix this. I was the one who wanted to be friends. If you read this and know Amanda (Beth) please don't mention it until she does. Thanks. |
| Thursday, October 12th, 2006 | |
10/12/06 - 2:01 pm |
Why Even Blog??
I don't really know what to write. Or what I feel, what I like. I realized, albeit slowly, that I don't do anything for me. I'm always concerned about what other people want from me. I never want to disappoint or let down the people I love because I feel that I've always let people down. Someone asked me if when I write in my journal I write what I want or what I'm sure wouldn't upset someone upon finding and reading it. And it's the latter. I wish I knew what I liked and what I didn't like and I do but not completely. When I do things that I like to I have doubts like I don't really know what I like because it's been forever since I've just done what I wanted without thinking about anyone else! Just a selfish inclination... that's what I mean I haven't just been selfish in forever! I'm always worried about Danielle or Amanda or Mom and Dad or someone anyone except myself! So what now?? I mean how do I get to know myself again? Does anyone know? Current Mood:  confused |
| Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 | |
9/13/06 - 1:26 pm |
My subconcious conciousness
I've been noticing lately that my diet consists of one meal, snacking on cheezits, and apple juice, the natural laxative.
Yes, weird and gross for me to state that but it's true.
I think subconciously I've been dealing with the stress in my life but cutting down on my food intake. Ok, I know what you are thinking, how can I be doing this subconciously when I'm concious of the fact that I'm doing it? Well, I wasn't until I was going to eat lunch today and I realized it was the first time in about a week that I had done this. Eat lunch I mean. I eat my evening meal and that's it. The one very dangerous thing about this scenario is the fact that I hadn't noticed before and I was getting comfertable with the way I look.
No I'm not fat by any means but I did trim down a bit and now it's just the question of.
What now? |
| Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 | |
9/12/06 - 10:39 am |
This year hasn't been the greatest for me. I've had two friends die within two weeks of each other. I've lost a friend and gained her back only to not be sure she will stay with me. Someone with such potential that just can't get out of this vicious cycle. I have taken my GED and failed. And worst of all, I've lost myself. And to be honest it's getting harder to eat everyday. I know you're up there orchestrating this masterpiece
so go on playing your sad symphony
because I know it's for my good. I have been saying I want a boyfriend but honestly if I had a boyfriend right now I would find my identity in him and if it doesn't work out I'll be here again in this very sad, very pathetic place. So I've decided to go on looking for a job, studying to take my GED(which i take the 19th of oct.) and just living and trying to touch God the way I know I can. The way I know I have before. While everyone is off getting married, going to college, having babies, I'm here. Here where I've seemingly always been. With everyone around me moving on,
I'm here in this sad place,
ready to burst into tears,
ready to begin again. Current Mood:  determined |
| Saturday, July 29th, 2006 | |
7/29/06 - 11:41 am |
your project
wow so that's what i am now right
this project to be completed.
yea you say i'm not but i can tell
it in your voice i am.
you tell me things like,
"i'll show you,"
"i'll help you,"
"i'll teach you",
well, i don't need you.
you aren't the first and won't be
the last.
so do me a favor and leave me alone.
i'm not your puppy that you can train
i don't want a guidance counselor
i want you to just be my friend.
yes listen when i need the way
i would listen to you
but don't try to fix me
i've got that covered.
you think you will make everything
right but you won't so get over it.
your arrogant and childish.
stop looking for something to make
you feel better
why don't you just go fix yourself. Current Mood:  cynical |
|
7/29/06 - 2:15 am |
...insecure...
So, I've found out I'm one of the most insecure people I know. I honestly didn't realize it until tonight. I don't think I'm ugly, stupid, or not worth anything but I just don't think I'm pretty enough, smart enough, worth much etc etc. It's the nagging insecurity that tends to follow you around until you've reached your breaking point and just let it take over and at that point you are into the WHOLE inscurity part. Yes, I know God loves me, thinks I'm worth everything, and that I'm smart and just the best but for some reason I can't seem to be able to think that way about myself. Some people say that it can't be done. You can't honestly think that highly of yourself without being arrogant. But I've seen it done and I believe at some level I can do it. What is it that I'm insecure about?? Everything. I don't think I'm pretty enough. Everytime I see someone I think is prettier than I am I feel completely down on myself. I don't dress up, wear makeup, do anything with myself really because I feel like it's all for nothing. It won't make me feel better about myself and it won't make me look that way I want to so why even bother?? That is at least, my thinking. I don't think I'm smart enough. I failed my GED by twenty points in math. That's all I failed was math and while some people would look at it as a good thing I see it only as a reminder that I will always be 'twenty point too little.' It's really frusterating because I would LOVE to be smart ... or at least have that potential but I don't ... or at least I don't think I do. I think I am not good enough. I have this horrible feeling that I have NOTHING to offer. Nothing to offer anyone really which may be a HUGE reason as to why I am single the way I am. I hate that but it's true. I am not even a highschool graduate and I don't even have a job right now. I know the job thing isn't really my fault but at the same time it makes me feel so less than everyone I meet. I mean honestly people don't want to hear about why they just want to know if. I am completely frusterated with everything. At this point I hate being me. I hate it. I know God loves me and that He thinks I'm the most beautiful creature, I know He thought I was worth something because He died for me. So, why can't I know this too? Why can't I feel it...why can't He just take it all ... all my insecurity and anxiety?? Am I not letting Him have it? Am I finding my identity in those insecurities rather than in Him where I should find myself??? Well, I'm off to find the answers to these questions. Current Mood:  creative |
| Monday, July 24th, 2006 | |
7/24/06 - 3:32 pm |
lately
Lately I've been getting really really mad. Not just a bit mad, but HUGELY mad... so mad I could seriously punch someone. I don't know what's making me do that...or feel that way. It's not little things that set me off just somethings. I feel kinda bad about everything ... about how I get not upset, but mad... furious over things. yea this makes about as much sense as I am feeling now. |
| Tuesday, July 18th, 2006 | |
7/18/06 - 6:22 pm |
Someone once said "The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other."
I can see my family struggling right now, with money mostly and it's for some reason really painful for me. I see my parents struggling to make ends-meat and I can't stand it. I also can't do anything about it. It's been making me depressed lately, really depressed. I don't want to hang out with anyone or do anything much anymore. I've been moody and I HATE that!
I would love to be able to help them out by getting a job but I can't because I don't have a way to get to work. They can't bring me because they can't even afford gas right now. My dad is going to work on twenty dollars right now and I'm sure their bank account is overdrawn and there's absolutely NOTHING I can do about it.
We don't even have money for food.
I wonder where God is in all of this buit as Francis Bacon once said, "Prosperity is the blessing of the Old Testament, adversity is the blessing of the new." Current Mood:  worried |
|
7/18/06 - 1:33 am |
just a much needed vent
why don't you shut up
and let me say what i mean
and how i feel.
stop putting words in my mouth
if you let me talk you could know me.
what i think.
how i feel.
who i am.
just because i don't butt in
doesn't mean i've got nothing to say.
so how about you sit for a while
and let someone else talk
you might learn something.
you should have known me better
than that but you didn't and that's sad.
emotional, catty, jealous
that's what girls are.
far too much to handle
at least in my lifetime.
yes, you've hurt my feelings
no surprise you couldn't tell.
so assume what you will about who this is about.
and if you think it's about you why don't just look
inside of yourself and ask this very important question...
"have i done something that makes me think that this is about me."
ps. i don't care. Current Mood:  annoyed |
| Thursday, July 13th, 2006 | |
7/13/06 - 11:09 am |
I'm so frusterated with my life right now! I can't stand that my life is going so slow to where I'm trying to get! You see I want a better job but I know my dad needs me where he's at right now to make bills so I'm having to sacrifice what I want to try and help him get some jobs done faster to make bills. The car broke down so we are struggling to make ends-meat and it's just really stressful. No I'm no martyr but at the same time I feel as if I need to say or do something to maybe relieve this stress. I honestly wish I had a boyfriend to vent all this to and just to take my mind off all this but I think that's the point. Maybe I need to just trust God with everything. I think I'm going to fast talking for an hour today ... It doesn't seem that hard. Another thing is a friend of mine confessed something about her feelings towards her dad and I feel really pulled between them because I'm really close to her dad. I don't know if I should say something or do something but I don't want to betray her trust but there is this huge riff between them. *sigh* Kentucky is a whole other story right now because making what I make with my dad would make me enough to move out there but the work is so unsteady right now because it's outside work and it's been raining like everyday. I am trusting God but I just want to be clued in sometimes. So where's my clue? Current Mood:  awake |
| Monday, July 3rd, 2006 | |
7/3/06 - 4:31 am |
Dear Mom,
Wow, there is so much to say but it's so hard to articulate without crushing your heart. Let me start with I love you, simply because I do. I miss you when you're gone and I value your opinion but something's wrong. You see you cared so much for me that you've held on too tightly. I mean if you think about it I had to take my road test without you knowing about it. You held off things in my life to try and protect me but I fear now that it's only to my detriment. I'm scared now, of alot of things. Too many things. I say it's common sense but it's fear. I know you never meant to but there are some things that happened to you that you can't just erase their effects on you. Believe me I understand. I believe you want the best for me and that you are trying your hardest to do that for me but you can't keep me out of things. I know you know that because I've done things, horrible things without you knowing. All I want is to grow up. I want to be able to be a woman and not be scared of it. You haven't ruined me in anyway but I felt like you ought to know because I am miserable being this way around you. I want you in my life but not smothering me. I don't want to have to run from you and then grow close years later. I want to know you now. Be your friend but you can't coddle me. You cannot! I have to be hurt and feel pain in order to learn from it and yes sometimes it will be pain you don't want me to have to go through but I need to. I love you and I want you and I to get along but you just can't smother me anymore. i love you. Current Mood:  sad |
| Thursday, June 29th, 2006 | |
6/29/06 - 7:42 pm |
**fiction** untitled
Sitting outside at The Corner Cafe I take another drag of my cigarette and watch yet another passerby. I blow out the last bit of smoke and sigh. Why did life seem so meaningless? Why did I feel this way? Will I always feel this way? I put out my cigarette and open up the book I had been reading just before that. I can't seem to concentrate on what I'm reading. There's a cool breeze that smells of magnolias and it brings me back to that place, back to you. Oh, how I miss you. I wish you were here with me. Everything reminds me of you and I just want to run away. Run away from all the memories you've left me here with. Here alone. You told me you were going to come back, not to worry it was all going to be fine. So why does it seem like nothing is fine? I miss you so much I can't stand it and now as tears sting my eyes I can't seem to get you off my mind. I sigh and try to swallow down my tears. When are you coming back? When will I see you again? I hope and pray that some unseen force is there with you. Protecting you. A letter once or twice a month isn't enough! I miss you! I find myself sitting up now without realizing it. You do that to me. Wiping my eyes I get up from my chair, pick up my book and put it away. A light breeze comes by and blows the small, crumpled, tear stained letter unto the ground. I watch it in disgust and almost in a panic as I scramble to ground to pick up this mangled piece of paper. And as I collect it in my hands my eyes fall on the small, typed out words that tore my heart apart. " ...died in the line of duty.**this is a roughdraft** Current Mood:  blah |
| Wednesday, June 28th, 2006 | |
6/28/06 - 9:01 am |
What am I good at?
Do you ever have those moments where you sit back and realize that maybe you aren't good at anything? For some reason you feel that there really is nothing you excel at... at all?? That's where I am today. I woke up, read my bible, prayed a little and then all of the sudden I realized that I didn't know what I was good at. There's things I like to do. There's thing I'm not bad in. I like to draw and I've been told I'm good at it. I've never taken classes and really can't draw too much of anything but I've been able to draw well enough that people have complimented me. Hmm... I have been told I can write. I'm not good at school. Or sports. Or music. Or singing. Why is it that the things you aren't good at are more prominent in your mind than the things you are good at? I mean am I really not good at too much of anything or is it that I just can't seem to see it? People have told me I'm good with people. That I make people feel comfertable when they dont know me that well at all. But to be honest that is just my personality... it isn't a talent or gifting. So, here's another one for that sweet void. Current Mood:  thoughtful |
| Tuesday, June 27th, 2006 | |
6/27/06 - 4:27 pm |
So, I'm sending this out into the void.
Today I realized how much I truly hate not having a job. Sitting home and just wasting away seem so wrong somehow. I called my friend Chad yesterday and he said something that really bothered me. He said it was good to be young and waste time. I thought about it and realized that I'm sure alot of people feel I won't amount to too much of anything. Yes, I have these dreams of granduer but let's face it, I'm almost 21 years old, jobless, and I don't even have my GED. Does that seem pathetic to anyone but me?? I feel like my life is really going nowhere. As if my feet are running every direction but I'm not getting anywhere . I want to be successful. I want to be SOMETHING. I wants someone to say that I'm going to go someplace. That I have potential. So, I'm sending this request out into the void. I just hope that someone reads it. Maybe. Current Mood: blah |
| Monday, June 26th, 2006 | |
6/26/06 - 8:17 am |
oh lord!
So yet another thing was blown way out of line yesterday when I, like a dummy, decided that this guy that I find interesting had heard that I so say liked him and I was going to clear that up by just telling him I thought he was cool. Not a problem you say? Well, when I spoke with him about it he said he hadn't heard that and I completely embarrassed myself and I honestly dont want to talk to him again. Yes, that's right, ever! haha It was completely mortifying not to mention how humiliated I was after. He said he was going to call me to talk because we both were really busy but I doubt that very seriously. Oh well, another one bites the dust I'm sure. Today I have to go job hunting. Yes, I am currently unemployed and to be honest I hate it with a passion. I love to work and make money and I feel completely useless now that I haven't passed me GED. I feel like I've worked so hard and I missed it by twenty points in math! I feel dumb because everyone was saying 'You're going to pass it, I know people who aren't as smart as you and they passed' well what now?!! I am smarter than them but I didn't pass. Ugh! I feel like an idiot!! I'm discouraged too! Whatevs! Better luck next time I'm sure... Current Mood: awake |
| Saturday, June 24th, 2006 | |
6/24/06 - 6:55 pm |
Back from wild week!
So, I'm back from Wild Week! It was amazing!!! God really showed me how I can trust him and how I can just abandon myself in HIm and just let me go and let Him in! It was awesome! God is awesome! There really is no way to articulate everything that I've felt. It wasn't the whole fact that I had to get saved or burn with this fire it was just that I didn't feel alone anymore. That feeling of being abandoned wasn't there. It's an awesome feeling. Something was really brought to my attention yesterday at CC's. I went with Bethany and Amanda to meet up with Bethany's brother since he was in from Dallas. Stacy and Maria, Beth's sister and friend were there so we just chilled. Well, there was a joke that Beth and Amanda started about me having called Amanda a bad word. This was brought up because we were trying to convince Maria that Amanda doesn't live with me well things got a bit out of hand and I left with a feeling that when it was all said and done that Maria might not like me all that much. She jumped to Amanda's defense which is good and all but at the same time she had no interest in find out why I had called me that. She was only concerned with one side of the story. I should have stopped the joke but I felt like I would be the stick in the mud. Not to mention the fact that Amanda and Bethany would be pissed off if I did that but I felt like it was a little immature and I knew from the start it was going to get out of hand. Oh well, it's over. Much luv! Current Mood: contemplative |
| Thursday, June 8th, 2006 | |
6/8/06 - 1:23 am |
*sigh*
There is so much to say right now. So many things floating around this head of mine. I'm tired I guess it's just what comes with extreme exhaustion.
I'm helping Bethany babysit in Lake Charles for the rest of the week and it's actually not too bad. I hang out with the 8 year old boy and watch Alias all day. We are almost finished with the first season haha.
The little girl is 11 and proving to be a handful.
I'm really getting lonely for not just a boyfriend but the one. The one who is going to show me what real love is... or maybe I should just learn to love God and myself and learn to let God love me and show me what real love really is...? Who knows? Not I...
There isn't even anyone I am interested in ... or anyone I really am interested in getting interested in ... haha that's how little there is around where I live...
Maybe this is all just fatigue talking...
Who knows....?????? Current Mood:  blank |
| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005 | |
5/4/05 - 10:48 am |
ugh
i hate opendiary with a PASSION! i mean i love it because i'm an OD whore but it doesn't work ... they are having waaaay too many tech difficulties and it's just pissing me off because i can't write in it. i dont like writing in myspace because... i dont know ... too impersonal... although i love it there too...hmm... i dont' work today which is a relief!' we finished a job so we dont start the next one till next week so i get a four day weekend! i'm glad but not excited ... i dont have too much to do so on my days off all i really do is read ... which is nice. tea sounds lovely right now. and curling up with a good book... alas i have no tea and the good book catagory has all been read ... tonight the guys have a show at wesley on the UL campus... it's supposed to be around like 9:30 or ten tonight it's five dollars to get in ... COME & SEE EM! hehe well i'm off to find something to do ... laundry most probably... Current Mood:  calm |
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